Shortly after signing up for the vision quest through IONS, a letter arrived from Sedonia Cahill, the quest leader. It included clear instructions and proper preparations to get ready for the 10-day sojourn in the desert. The letter also requested each participant read a book she recommended on the American Indian Medicine Wheel. It was also expected that we have a good understanding of the Medicine Wheel's purpose and how it is used.
The last request was that each participant send her a personal letter of intention telling her why we were doing this vision quest. Here are the contents of my letter sent in June 1997:
Letter of Intention for July '97 Vision Quest:
The question of where to begin and how to express the inexpressible in a language where the words are so limiting and qualifying. I'll try my best using the language of the American Indian Medicine Wheel I just read about in the Vision Quest Handbook you sent me.
I am completing the 14th year of a conscious, long, arduous search for knowledge, truth, and understanding of who I am and why I am here on this far away planet. It has been a very solitary and sometimes lonely journey. During this process I've learned through pain, suffering, joy, love, truth, and knowledge to detach and disidentify with everything that once comprised of who I thought I was.
I feel no fear of death. I do not say this lightly or without reservations. I know - I have already died many times at the egoic level. I know darkness - I'm comfortable there and isolation and "not knowing" is a solitude deep within my Being.
I've spent much time in all the lodges and feel comfortable in each of them. I've now come to the place where I need help. It appears I've come as far as I can without the help of others. It's not the darkness I fear but in some very strange way it's the "light", "the energy", "the spirit", the all powerful ground of my being that scares the hell out of me. How to channel this incredible energy, knowledge, intuition, spirit, and emotion in a way that can be constructive and productive is the primary challenge.
I feel very much like the "prodigal son" who is on the final leg of his journey about to return home to meet the Father. I feel like a farmer whose work in the field has been completed. It is the end of the day. I can now put down my tools and let the Great Mystery do the rest.
My expectations are minimal. Renewing myself in the retreat with silence, contemplation, and prayer, and hopes of connecting with fellow travelers and sharing our experiences. Any help, guidance, and direction by the Retreat leader would be greatly appreciated. The need for honest, objective feedback is always welcomed. If it is time for communion and union with the Divine it will happen.
My belief, trust, faith, and experience tell me in all four lodges "Thy Will Be Done." My intentions are to be as much as possible fully present and focused in the moment.
In truth and love,
Philip Moore
I sent the letter off to Santa Rosa, California in mid-June of 1997 and in less than a month I would be heading down there myself. Let the games begin!
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